Attempting Zen

I just don’t get road side memorials. I find them creepy. I would much rather visit a dead relative in a nicely manicured graveyard then on the side of Route 80. Also, I have never caught anyone in the act of putting one up. It must be an early morning type of venture, which is all the more reason I wouldn’t be involved. If I happen to perish on some stretch of road, I will just insist in my will that I should be cremated and that all my living relatives be forced to wear my ashes in a custom made necklace. You know, something normal.

I love when Halloween comes around every year because I get to play a memory game while I drive. It all centers around the parasitic nature of Halloween supply stores. A trend which I have noticed in the past several years, probably due to our ever tanking economy. Whenever I see one, I try and remember what failed business once occupied the space. Usually it is an easy answer like Circuit City, but sometimes I have to dig deep. When no one in the car can answer it must have been deserving of its failure and Spirit Halloween’s gain.

While waiting in the dermatologist’s office this morning, my mind started to wander as I stared at a bottle of Aluminum Chloride wondering in what capacity it was used. I noticed how horrible the music being piped into the room was, but then I thought it would be much worse with no music. Waiting in that tiny little room while sitting on a paper lined exam table in complete silence. Nothing to do but stare at the four white walls and various jars of cotton balls and swabs. Right then Terence Trent D’Arby started up with “Wishing Well” and I realized with every pro there is a con. I think I would rather have 10-15 minutes of silence and boredom instead of the following scenario.

*knock, knock*

Doctor: Well the biopsy results are in and unfortunately I have some bad news.

Patient: On no…

Wish me love a wishing well To kiss and tell A wishing well of butterfly tears

Doctor: Yes, I am very sorry. You have a very aggressive form of melanoma. There is nothing we can do.

Do do dooo Do do dooo Do do do da doooooo…

Click to play…

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As you can tell by my amazing voice over, I stumbled upon my first robin sighting of the year this morning on the way to my car. I think we have to band together and ban all outdoor mirrored objects. It is unfair to these dim-witted creatures. I did try and help the robin, after I filmed it of course. But my presence nor my jingling keys would not deter it from its task. I didn’t want to push it and have the story end with me being the victim of a robin attack, so I walked away and let it continue bashing what was left of its small brain.

Do you really think your fooling us? Accept your baldness.

Retro is in, I get it. I am all for the Betty Page look and I am dealing with the resurgance of 80s fashion. But today in New York City I saw a guy in overalls, a kerchief, and a cabbie hat with a large moustache. Come on man, the old timey conducter look will never come back around. You have gone too far.

So just came back from a nice relaxing vacation in Michigan and realized I had a new look on life when it comes to driving. I had turned a new leaf and was going to drive like a responsible citizen just like the Michiganders. That lasted approximately 3 days.

I have come to the realization that the reason everyone here drives like a complete moron or an aggressive asshole is that they become infected. From a few days of the traffic, being honked at, cut off, and witnessing acts from the bizarre to the down right terrifying you too become one of them. It makes me wonder, who is “Patient Zero” of this pandemic? Did it all start with a four way stop on a dirt road and an assertive Model-T driver?

And I believe the overall problem of rudeness in New Jersey stems solely from driving. This disease slowly trickles into our everyday lives and the next thing you know you have made a woman at the supermarket cry because that morning you were almost side swiped by some lady in a SUV. I think the only solution to our aggression is to do as the people of Michigan do…shoot at stuff in the woods. Ahhh, now don’t you feel better?

Nothing like stuffing the anal cavity of a carcass with various herbs, spices & veggies, then chowing down. So begins the day of over eating, drinking & the traditional airing of greivances. Hopefully I stick mostly to the over eating and not the drinking. Don’t want it to end up like last year. I am still not allowed in my local Walgreens.

Every time I log in to Facebook or even simply use the internet I am assaulted with a million offers to take some lame ass quiz. Today on an ad sidebar I saw THE quiz of the year. Paired along with the worst drawn cartoon I have ever seen were the flashing words, “Are you fat? Take this quiz.”

Really? Are we all so stupid now that we can’t figure out on our own if we are fat!?! Thanks internet but I already take this quiz daily when I look in the mirror, I don’t need your help.

I wonder if there are certain requirements to be considered white trash. Sometimes I feel like I need to be a part of a group, and I am running out of options. If I have to have a fullet and always have an article of clothing with a discernible stain, then I am not sure I would be that committed. But if all that is required is being pale and lazy…I am so in!